[man] I'm going to tell you a story now.
But as any good storyteller knows,
one must first be sure the audience is prepared.
Is everybody comfortably seated?
Does anyone need to use the bathroom?
Oh. You, sir, in the back?
Well, hold it in.
[laughs]
You ready? Here we go.
My name is Marty Bronson.
I owned and operated the Sunny Vista Motel,
which I established on the corner of Sunset and La Cienega Boulevards
in Los Angeles, California, in the year 197 4.
The motel was my labor of love,
and I ran it with the help of my children: Wendy...
[Marty] Wendy, the key, pIease, for Mr. and Mrs. Dixon.
Thank you.
And Skeeter.
May I heIp you with your bags, Mr. and Mrs. Dixon?
- Yes, pIease. - Why, thank you, young man.
[grunting]
You, uh, need a hand?
No, no. I got it.
[Mr. Dixon] OK.
To my boy Skeeter, the motel was a wonderland.
Way too hyper.
The gaIaxy's not big enough for the both of us.
A magical place.
[chatter, Iaughter]
Full of new adventures for a six-year-old boy.
[Iaughs] Oh, Skeeter. Come here.
Skeeter loved the old place as much as I did.
And he always tried to come up with ways to make it even beter.
I've got a Iot of ideas how to improve things around here.
I was thinking we couId put an extra pair of socks in each room
because peopIe aIways forget to pack enough socks when they go on a trip.
That's a good idea.
Time for bed, I'm meeting with Mr. Nottingham.
Wait, Dad. I'm not even tired.
WeII, how about a bedtime story?
Yay!
Now, once upon a time, there was a IittIe boy,
and that IittIe boy's name was Skeeter.
Well, I could tell a prety fair tale when the muse was with me.
And making my litle boy smile,
now, that was truly magical.
Yeah, I was a prety good dad and a prety good host.
But unfortunately, a prety bad businessman.
Can't you read the writing on the waII, Bronson?
This moteI is sinking in red ink...
and I'm offering you the Iast Iifeboat.
[sighs]
I don't know.
[Nottingham] I've seen the books, Martin.
If you don't seII to me, you're going to go bankrupt.
Yes, weII, I...
I'd aIways hoped this pIace wouId be a home for my chiIdren.
[Nottingham] How about this?
If your boy works hard and shows some smarts when he grows up,
I'II Iet him run this pIace.
[sighs] You promise?
Yes. Now sign the bIoody papers.
That's my boy, Bronson.
Trust me, I'm going to turn this pIace into the finest hoteI in Los AngeIes.
It's going to be uptight and out of sight.
[Marty] And just like that, our modest litle Sunny Vista Motel...
...metamorphosized into the mighty Sunny Vista Notingham.
And for the past 25 years,
it has been lovingly maintained by my now grown-up son,
Skeeter Bronson, the handyman.
Yes, though Mr. Notingham's promise for Skeeter to run the place
- seems to have been forgoten... - Hiya, Pop.
...my boy always works diligently with a hopeful heart,
still waiting for his shot.
Mrs. Dixon? Is there a probIem with her room?
Nothing you shouId bother your tiny mind about.
Mrs. Dixon has been taking the nip bottIes of Iiquor out of her mini-bar,
and doesn't want to pay for it.
I never even touched that eviI IittIe refrigerator.
I don't drink aIcohoI.
Of course. There's probabIy a mix-up.
- I saw who took it. - OK.
He had red hair and a beard.
He was wearing a green suit with brass buttons.
And he stands about ten inches taII.
So we're taIking about a Ieprechaun?
There you go.
Oh, I didn't know your brother was in town.
So, um, here's what I think we shouId do.
Put aII the missing bottIes on my tab.
Next time you see any Ieprechauns, we'II teII Aspen.
She's haIf-troII.
I think, troIIs eat Ieprechauns, am I right?
[scoffs]
She wouId.
[Marty] Today magic is in the air at the grand hotel,
and the winds of change are about to blow our story
in a strange new direction.
But what would you expect in a hotel
founded by someone who loved a good story as much as I?
Time is of the essence here, Skeeter.
Oh, yeah, I know. I just don't want the big boss man to get eIectrocuted.
Of course.
- You fixed it? - Let me see here.
- [feedback] - Yo, yo. Yo, yo.
Check, check. One, two. Come on. Yeah, yeah. Hear me in the back?
- Whoa, whoa. - Skeeter.
I say ''Barry,'' you say ''Nottingham.''
- Barry. - [aII] Nottingham.
# Barry had a Notingham
# Notingham, Notingham
# Barry had a Notingham
# Whose beard was white as snow #
[Iaughs] Come on, give it up for the big man.
[appIause]
Got them warmed up for you, sir.
- It's good to see you again. - Germs.
- Germs? - Uh, Skeeter,
Mr. Nottingham has deveIoped a fear, uh...
Not a fear, an awareness...
...of germs and how dangerous they can be
when not properIy... feared, so...
You're doing the right thing. I didn't shower today.
So, yeah, Iet me get out of here.
[Skeeter] Barry Nottingham, everybody.
- He's briIIiant, him. I Iove this guy. - [Barry] WeIcome.
As you know, I own 23 hoteIs from BerIin to Beijing.
But it's no secret that this one,
the Sunny Vista Nottingham, is my favorite.
However, this is a 20th-century hoteI.
We need something for the 21 st century.
And so, we have decided to cIose this hoteI
and to buiId a brand-new Sunny Vista Mega Nottingham.
[appIause]
This wiII be the Iargest hoteI on the West Coast.
I simpIy don't understand what the fuss is about. It's just a big buiIding.
Oh, no, no. This is Iike the future of the hoteI business.
...and a top-secret theme that wiII bIow your mind.
Yes!
So I'm proud to announce the new hoteI's generaI manager.
He's been waiting on this for a Iong time.
We aII know how hard he works, how inteIIigent he is,
how much this hoteI means to him.
Take a bow, Mr. KendaII Duncan!
Take a bow, KendaII.
- God bIess. - Boo!
[hissing]
[man] A beautifuI speech, sir. A beautifuI speech.
I'm so gIad you couId come.
It's great to see you.
Don't touch me.
WeII done, Daddy.
Oh, oh, heIIo there. Do you know my daughter, VioIet?
OnIy by reputation, sir.
Excuse me?
No, no, not that she has a reputation.
I aIways heard she's very hot.
Not hot as in hot.
Hot, I meant warm... Warm-hearted.
And she Iikes to go out and have fun, festive times,
in bars, with a Iot of different guys, and...
That's the oId VioIet Nottingham. Before she met me.
Now it's up to me to keep my pooky-bear out of the spotIight
and nightcIubs and tabIoids. Isn't that right, sir? [chuckIes]
VioIet's off to her private tennis Iesson with Roger Federer.
- Oh. AII right, good for you. - Bye, boys.
Got to say, uh...
...it's gonna be hard for me to see the hoteI move Iocations Iike this.
WeII, I, I do hope you'II feeI abIe to come and work with us there.
Big as KendaII wants to make it,
weII, there's going to be a Iot of Iight buIbs to change.
[snickering]
Someone touched me. Is there any sanitizer?
There is, sir. Come this way. I'II get you some.
Can't be too carefuI, KendaII.
[# Ray Anthony and His Orchestra: The Hokey Pokey]
AII right, everyone finished at the pottery tabIe,
bring their art to the kiIn.
The man with the rescue donkey's Ieaving in five minutes,
if you haven't gotten a ride, hurry up.
Thank you, PrincipaI Duva.
Oh, I'm not a principaI at this party. I'm a mom.
Hey!
I notice no one's eating the gIuten-free wheatgrass cake.
Come on. Trust me, you just got to get past the smeII.
What? The cIown died?
- What's in that bag? - Oh, chocoIate chip cookie.
- Food! - [aII kids] Food!
- SIow it down, sIow it down. - Hey, sissy.
Why do you bring sugary, chemicaI-fiIIed crud to my house every time you visit?
What? Every time? You haven't invited me here in four years.
What are you taIking about? It hasn't been four years.
You were here for The Fourth of JuIy barbecue
when you punched my husband?
Yes. That was four years ago. I wanted to give him a wedgie,
but his underwear had hoIes in it.
I knew he'd be your ex-husband. You shouId be happy.
AII right. Let's not start.
How are the kids handIing
the oId divorce anyways?
They're both kind of off right now. Bobbi's been reaIIy quiet.
Why don't you go say hi. I'm gonna pay the donkey guy.
- Is that what stinks in here? - No, it's the cake.
What did she make, donkey cake?
- [kids Iaugh] - I smeII manure.
Hey, you guys. Remember me?
UncIe Skeeter.
Man, you got big. Haven't seen you in a whiIe.
Happy birthday there, Bobbi.
I'm Patrick. She's Bobbi.
Oh, my bad.
Got you a IittIe something. Happy birthday, Bobbi.
Here you go. Picked it up at the hoteI.
How's schooI going?
- Skeeter? - Yeah.
Getting caIIed to the principaI's office. Look at that.
Have fun with the gifts. And...
Yes, yes.
Shampoo?
And a soap?
Hanger and a toweI.
Do not taIk about schooI with them.
What's going on with the schooI?
- They're cIosing it down. - No.
- I'm getting Iaid off. - You?
You're Iike the cIassic schooI principaI.
I mean, you're, you're scary and bad with peopIe.
ChiIdren are nervous around you.
That doesn't sound right, but, I'm just saying, what eIse couId you do?
Maybe, Cuban dictator? Or the bogeyman. You couId be the bogeyman.
- Anyway... - What, what?
I've got some interviews set up in Arizona,
which is kind of what I wanted to taIk to you about.
Uh-oh.
I need you to watch the kids... for a week.
No! No, they don't even Iike me!
It's not going to be difficuIt, Skeeter.
My friend JiII is a teacher at my schooI.
She'II bring the kids in with her and watch them tiII dinnertime.
AII you gotta do is the night shift.
Why can't your stupid friend do that?
She's got night schooI. Skeeter!
My husband Ieft me. I'm getting Iaid off.
I, I have to move. I need your heIp.
So you need me. This is good.
I'II do it.
But you got to say,
''Skeeter is the cooIest. I am a nerd.''
''Skeeter's the cooIest. I'm a nerd?''
Yeah, you are! Whoo!
OK. Hey, you guys.
I'm going to hang out with you this week. AII right?
Maybe we can go... fishing.
I'd rather you didn't. Patrick's not a strong swimmer.
OK, we'II stay inside.
How about, uh, we pIay some poker?
- I can teach you that. - GambIing? I don't think so.
OK, how about we just take waIks in the park
- and cataIog pIant species? - Now you're taIking.
I don't know anything about pIants
except you try to make cakes out of them!
He Iiked that one. I'm gonna end with a Iaugh.
Give me some. Huh?
I wasn't gonna hit you. I was trying to do the fist thing.
You don't know the fist thing?
OK, I was just...
That's what, uh, the chiIdren do.
Hey, yeh, yeh.
Oh, this your truck, chief?
Yes, it is, ma'am.
You reaIize you're taking up two parking spaces?
It's a big truck, ma'am.
It's not that big, sir. You couId fit into one spot.
I had to park aII the way down the bIock.
WeII, next time park in that box. PIenty of room in there.
Anyway, here's the situation. This is not reaIIy my truck,
this is the hoteI I work for's truck.
So if I get a scratch on it, they take it out of my saIary.
So two parking spaces provides me with what I caII
''a cushion of protection.''
Wait, a hoteI? Oh, wait. You're Wendy's brother.
- Yeah. - I'm JiII.
- Who's that? - I'm her friend,
the one heIping take care of the kids. I'm the day shift.
OK, June. You pIan on being this hostiIe the whoIe time?
JiII. My name is JiII.
Do you pIan on keeping that haircut the rest of the time?
Oh, haven't you heard? Goofy's the new handsome.
[engine spIutters]
- That sounds good for the environment. - Oh, we can't aII have Priuses.
How do you know I drive a Prius?
Your whoIe aura reads Prius.
[bubbIing sounds]
Anyways, you're in my cushion of protection right now.
I want to back up, so if you couId just zing-zang up there,
- that wouId be heIpfuI. - Yeah.
You might want some Cinnabons. You'II need it.
- Food! - [kids shouting]
Give it back! Somebody owes me six bucks!
So why didn't you demand that he make you the big boss of the new hoteI?
He promised your dad.
I wanted to. It just wasn't the right time.
Let me teII you how it works.
The big man's giving the job to KendaII
because he's dating his daughter.
That's the way it works, keep it in the famiIy.
He gets the girI, he gets the job, he gets everything.
And I get nothing.
[cell phone ringing]
[ringtone screeches]
- HeIIo? - [Jill] Where are you? Still there?
I'm stiII where? Who's this?
Look, I've got to get to class. The kids are waiting for you, OK?
Oh! Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm sorry.
[stammers] I forgot. I'II be there in Iike 20 minutes.
[phone beeps off]
I'm gonna baby-sit my nephew and niece tonight.
Oh, God. Got any advice for me?
Yes, I do. Sometimes I baby-sit my cousins, right?
And what I do is I Iet them styIe me hair.
Like put beads into it and braid it, make me Iook aII reaI sexy.
Like MiIIi VaniIIi, stuff Iike that. You shouId try that.
Braid my hair? That's a good idea. Can I have some French fries?
Of course you can. You're my best friend.
[gasps]
Ah! ActuaIIy, I reaIIy Iike ketchup on my face
because it's rejuvenating for the skin.
So who's the reaI victim? You are.
Mmm! DeIicious.
Do you think these signs wiII heIp?
WeII, miracIes happen, you know?
You mean Iike Dad coming back?
Um...
- [door cIoses] - [Skeeter singing]
[Iaughing] Hey! Sorry I'm Iate.
So, um, their pajamas are on their beds,
and I wiII be back, um, at 8:30 to pick them up, OK?
- AII right. - Here is my ceII phone number.
And caII me if there's any emergencies.
AII right. Have fun at night schooI.
- [JiII] Bye, guys. - Bye.
AII packed up here.
I got my, uh, toothbrush and, uh, and the toothpaste.
Some cIean underwear.
WeII, maybe not that cIean.
You guys want to watch TV?
We don't have a TV.
[ceII phone rings]
- HeIIo? - [Skeeter] Emergency!
They don't have a TV.
Wendy doesn't Iet them watch TV. You didn't know?
I don't know a Iot of things about these kids.
I wasn't aIIowed over here. Their oId man didn't Iike me.
OK, Iisten, you don't need a TV. You can, um, pIay a game, do a puzzIe.
I'm sure you can figure something out. OK?
Whoa, whoa, whoa! ShouId I Iet them braid my hair or something?
WouId they Iike that?
I don't think anyone shouId touch that hair.
Hey, what do you say we go...
next door and toiIet paper your neighbor's trees?
No? OK, bedtime!
[thunder, rain faIIing]
OK, so you guys cooI?
You have to read us a bedtime story.
Yeah, aII right. You have any?
Whoo! What do you got here, anyways?
''Rainbow Alligator Saves the Wetlands''?
Mmm, no.
''The Organic Squirrel Gets a Bike Helmet''?
I'm not reading these communist books to you guys.
Don't you got any reaI stories?
- Like what? - Like what?
Like, Iike cowboys? Or dragons?
Or aIiens? Or... What the heck is on my head right now?
That's Bugsy, our guinea pig.
- Why do you caII him Bugsy? - Because of his eyes.
Let me see them.
[squeaking]
Wow! Those eyes wouId be big on a cow.
[squeaking]
Are those eyebaIIs or bowIing baIIs?
Can't keep my eyes off of them.
Just get in there so I don't have to Iook at them anymore. Goodbye.
Anyways, uh,
you guys want me to, uh, make up a story for you?
Like, Iike my oId man used to do for me?
Maybe I couId be good at this.
AII right, um...
Here goes.
Once upon a time, in a magicaI, faraway kingdom...
...there was a brave and noble knight.
Strikingly handsome.
Who lived in a grand castle
that weary travelers from near and far would come and visit.
Now, this knight had been working his but off for years.
You'd think he'd be a shoo-in to rule the castle, right?
- [Patrick] Right. - [Skeeter] Wrong.
Actually, he wasn't even a knight at all.
[neighs]
Oh, no.
[Skeeter] He was, in fact, just a lowly peasant.
And even though he was the son of the late, great Lord Marty...
- [indistinct] - Thank you.
...and knew everything there is to know about running a castle,
everyone just took him for granted.
His name was Mr. Underappreciated.
What's ''underdemeciated''?
- Under de-what? - Underdemeciated.
That's right, I forgot you were six.
His name was Sir... Fix-A-Lot.
But alas, the kingdom where Sir Fix-A-Lot lived
did not place much value on dedication or hard work, I guess.
Because the superstar in all the land was Sir But-Kiss.
And he spent all his days kissing everybody's but.
[kissing sounds]
- Boo! - [giggIes]
And my Iord, yes, of course I can get you
front row house seats to The Lion King. [Iaughs]
And Sir Fix-A-Lot had a best friend, Friar Fred,
who was not right in the head.
She never! No! Not our queen, I won't have that.
- Were there any kids in the kingdom? - [Skeeter] Yes, yes. Of course.
There were two young pages.
Mistress Stinky and Master SmeIIy.
Hey-oh! And don't forget...
JiIIian! The queen of the fairies!
[Skeeter] Queen of the fairies?
I mean, if she has to be there, let's just make her an angry raven.
[caws]
Parking spot!
[Patrick] She should be a mermaid teacher.
[Bobbi] Yeah. The best mermaid teacher in the world.
ChiIdren, open your books to page 1 6.
Yes, Miss Mermaid.
Let's begin.
AII right, she's a mermaid. Whatever you want.
Anyways, back to the story.
One day the king invited aII his subjects to the castIe.
I bring gIad tidings.
For on this day I have chosen a champion
who wiII run this castIe
and be my cIosest advisor and bestest buddy.
My new champion is...
...Sir Butt-Kiss!
[cheers, appIause]
Thank you.
Poor Sir Fix-A-Lot had been passed over.
So, Sir Fix-A-Lot moved into a giant shoe,
got a bad case of athlete's face,
dove into a moat...
Ah, what the heck. [shouts]
...and got eaten by crocodiles.
[shouting]
The end.
The end? That can't be the end.
- Why? Why not? - It's not happy.
There aren't happy endings in reaI Iife. Sooner you know that, the better.
- It's not fair! - What? What's not fair?
I mean, shouIdn't Sir Fix-A-Lot at Ieast get a shot to be champion?
- A shot? Hmm... - If Sir Fix-A-Lot is better
than Sir Butt-Kiss, he shouId get a chance to prove it.
OK. Yeah, yeah, Bobbi, good.
[Bobbi] What the king reaIIy said was...
On second thought,
there is another worthy man in my kingdom,
and it wouIdn't be fair unIess he got a shot, too.
Sir Fix-A-Lot!
[Skeeter] And then the crowd went nuts.
[# Journey: Don't Stop Believin]
But, Sire, Fix-A-Lot is as common as muck.
Boo!
[Skeeter] And Friar Fred drop-kicked a booing goblin.
- Boo! - [man shouts]
And the mermaid teacher did one of those weird taiI doIphin moves.
And Stinky and SmeIIy did the fastest Irish jig ever.
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
[Iaughs] Yeah. Right on.
Prince Bugsy busted out some fancy moves.
[squeaking]
And then... and then...
It started raining gumbaIIs.
Raining gumbaIIs?
Why not? It's a bedtime story. Anything can happen.
Yeah, yeah. I guess in a story.
I just wish it was Iike that in reaI Iife. I reaIIy do.
[beII chimes]
- What was that? - Bugsy.
- [chitters] - [Skeeter] Oh.
He rings that beII when he's hungry?
No, when he needs to go to sIeep.
[gurgIing sounds]
[yawning]
OK. As you wish, Your Highness.
AII right, you guys, have a good sIeep. You, too, uh, weird eyes.
- [Bugsy chitters] - [Skeeter makes chirping noise]
[Skeeter] WeII, I don't have much to work with,
but I wiII make us
a deIicious breakfast
that I know you wiII enjoy.
Yes, some banana on the rice cake,
and then what do we caII this? Wheat germ.
I was toId germs are bad for you, but here goes.
I Iike it.
A rice cake-banana-wheat germ sandwich.
And what do we got?
This is terribIe.
Doesn't your, your mother have taste buds?
What are we doing here? We got nothing to use in this house.
Hang on.
A IittIe fIavor.
It's good because, now we don't have to brush our teeth.
There you go. At Ieast we got a IittIe mint going on. Guys want one?
- [cell phone rings] - Hang on.
- [ringtone screeches] - HeIIo!
Bronson? The teIevision set in Mr. Nottingham's room
is broken and it needs to be fixed right away.
I have a situation here. I'm watching my nephew and my niece.
I'm sorry. Are you having difficuIty hearing me?
Mr. Nottingham wants to watch teIevision now!
I hear you. I speak troIIinese, don't worry.
- There's a leprechaun behind you. - [squeaIs]
- Gotcha. - [phone beeps off]
Thanks a Iot, gentIemen. OK.
- Wow. - It's pretty, huh?
Whoa!
I got to go fix my boss' teIevision set, but I need somebody to watch you two.
[paparazzo] VioIet! Right here. Give a smiIe.
Hang on.
VioIet! Skeeter Bronson, the handyman from the other day.
Oh, right. Yes.
Listen, uh, I got some kids with me right now.
My nephew and niece. But, I gotta fix your father's TV.
CouId you watch them a few minutes?
Huh?
[beII dings]
- Yeah, yeah. AII right, I'm going. - [gasps]
- [knocking] - [Barry] Come in.
- [Skeeter] Mr. Nottingham, sir? - [Barry] Uh, the teIIy won't turn on.
[Skeeter] It won't? WeII, Iet me just take a... taIIyho at it, OK?
I'II just fIip this Iight on.
No, no, no, no! AbsoIuteIy not!
I'm fighting a coId here.
I must stay in the dark whenever possibIe.
Do you reaIize
germs can reproduce 80 percent faster in bright Iight?
Oh, OK. Here we go, nice and dark again.
- The germs are confused. - Come towards me.
OK. It's got to be around here somewhere.
- [Skeeter shouts] - [crashing]
[Barry] For heaven's sake.
I'm so sorry, sir. I just can't see a thing.
- To your Ieft, there. - Oh!
[Skeeter] There's the TV. So how's the, uh, new hoteI coming, sir?
Oh, very weII. StiII deaIing with the city on buiIding permits and whatnot.
Uh-huh.
I can't teII you the secret theme.
It's so good, we don't want anyone to steaI it.
- I hear you, sir. - OK, I'II teII you.
Come aIong, sit down. PIease.
Great.
[Barry] Ready?
Rock and roII.
Vintage vinyI. Music memorabiIia in the Iobby.
Oh, OK. Like, uh, Iike the Hard Rock?
- The What What? - The Hard Rock HoteI.
They've been using that theme for, Iike, years.
Get KendaII Duncan up here straightaway, pIease.
[VioIet] What a perfect IittIe powder puff.
[squeaks, purrs]
Thank you.
So, Patrick, truth or dare?
Truth?
How oId were you the first time you kissed a girI?
Patrick never kissed a girI.
GirIs are bis-crusting.
Except for Trisha Sparks.
Ooh, is that a girI in your cIass, you IittIe Romeo?
[JiII] Hey, guys.
Hi, Aunt JiII, did you get the note we Ieft you?
Yes, I did.
And, uh, now we have to get you guys ready for schooI. So, come on.
- Hi. - Hi.
Oh, hey. You're, uh...
- Uh-huh. Here's your fat mouse. - It's a guinea pig, but...
And you, young man...
I want to hear aII about this IittIe Trisha Sparks next time I see you.
Trisha Sparks is two years oIder than you.
She's hot.
I'm very disappointed in you, KendaII. We aImost made an apocaIyptic mistake.
This rock and roII idea of yours is oId hat.
WeII, sir, I had every intention of putting our own spin on it.
Do you know what, Skeeter?
I'm starting to get a fuzzy recoIIection
of something I said to your father.
In fact, I am going to give you a shot.
If you can come up with a better theme than KendaII does,
I'II Iet you run the new pIace instead.
[KendaII Iaughs] Oh, sir.
Don't you think this is perhaps a IittIe too much of a crueI joke
to be pIaying on somebody as... weII, the, the maintenance guy?
- No, I don't. - [KendaII] No.
Mr. Bronson has been working for this company for 25 years.
I'm beginning to think I may have seriousIy underdemeciated him.
[KendaII] I'm sorry. ''Underdemeciated''?
PreciseIy. You can both present your ideas at my birthday party this weekend.
Thank you, KendaII. That is aII.
Mr. Bronson, the teIevision, if you wouId.
Oh, and do watch out for the germ vaporizer.
- [crash] - [shouts]
[# FaIco: Rock Me Amadeus]
[Skeeter] The best day of my Iife!
[Skeeter sings with radio] # Amadeus Amadeus
# Amadeus Ow! Amadeus Yeah, yeah, yeah!
# Amadeus Amadeus Amadeus
# Ooh, rock me Amadeus
- # Amadeus Amadeus - [engine revs]
[turns radio off]
Whoa. I Iike your car, paI.
Hey, thanks, champ. You know what they say.
You want to be the best, you got to drive the best.
Hey, uh, not to get personaI,
but what's a sweet ride Iike that cost, anyways?
You know what? ActuaIIy it's surprisingIy affordabIe.
Yeah?
If you saved every paycheck you earn for the rest of your Iife
and then muItipIy it by ten, you couId probabIy buy my muffIer.
Ah-ooga!
Oh, you wanna drag race, do you?
[spIutters, backfires]
You win! Good job.
What?
This is spooky.
You've got to be kidding me! Look at this. I'm Iosing aII my candy.
How can you not see a 50-foot traiIer? Come on.
So you have to compete for your job with Skeeter Bronson. You'II annihiIate him.
Oh, I know. It's just a IittIe degrading, that's aII.
[phones ringing]
Thanks for being there.
I'II be there as Iong as there's a there to be at.
[growIs]
[barks]
[cIears throat]
Oh, heIIo, chiIdren.
We're Iooking for Skeeter Bronson.
- [KendaII groans] - Oh, Mr. Bronson.
Yes, you'II find him in room 1 09.
- OK. - PIease, this way.
[Bugsy twitters]
- Oh, my God! Did you see that thing? - Those eyes.
They were, they were staring into my, my very souI.
- Hey, UncIe Skeeter! - Hey!
- Just who I wanted to see. - Hey, chief, here's Bugsy.
- Got him. - Why do they have to stay here?
Because I'm on caII tonight, Jennifer.
It's JiII, actuaIIy, Scooter.
It is? OK, yeah...
You did not just do that.
I did. Watch. I'm gonna do it again.
So, guys, anything weird happen to you today?
I had a substitute teacher with an eye patch.
Uh... that's a IittIe weird. I'm taIking Iike big-time weird.
Maybe coincidence weird, uh...
...as in gumbaII weird?
We're not aIIowed to chew gum.
Of course you're not. You guys want to go to sIeep?
It's onIy 5:30.
And we haven't had dinner.
Hmm. OK.
Room service!
[man] So you've never been skateboarding?
You've never pIayed video games?
Mom says they rot your brain.
That's not true. I've been pIaying video games my whoIe Iife, and Iook at me.
Yeah, maybe she's got a point.
You. You've never eaten bacon?
What's bacon?
Bacon is the juicy, fatty part of the pig
right adjacent to the rear.
But deIicious and tasty, not how I just made it sound.
And this is the first hamburger you've ever eaten?
- What's the verdict? What do you think? - Life-changing.
- Mom's gonna kiII us. - No, she isn't.
First of aII, she's never gonna find out about this.
And second of aII, she used to eat pIenty of hamburgers
when we were growing up in this very room.
[both] She did?
Looks Iike Bugsy's eaten a Iot of burgers in the Iast ten minutes.
Wow!
He keeps going Iike that, we couId make bacon out of Bugsy.
[chirps]
He's kidding, Bugsy. Take it easy.
- [both Iaugh] - OK. Let's get you carnivores to bed.
I got a, a new story I want to Iay on you.
What do you think of cowboys and Indians?
Oh, yes, tonight's the night!
I just Iike cowboys and Indians 'cause of the confIict.
OK, once upon a time in the OId West,
before room service was even invented...
...there was a farm hand named Jeremiah Skeets.
He was looking to get ahead in the world,
but was having a problem
with his current mode of transportation.
[whinnies like a splutering engine, backfires]
[Jeremiah] Uh, that was my horse. That wasn't me, everybody.
Someone once told Jeremiah
that if he wanted to be the best,
he'd have to ride the best.
You mind showing me your finest horse?
My ancestors beIieve horse spirit
come down from mountain during time of fire, wind.
Many brave warrior waIk traiI of moon bear...
OK. Look, I just want to see your finest horse, not a whoIe thing there.
- Sorry. I can do it. - AII right.
Screaming Rooster, bring out Ferrari.
Ferrari.
Oh, my.
Oh, my, oh, my!
Look at that.
- [whinnies Iike a racing engine] - Whoa!
I wouId get automatic respect riding such a beautifuI animaI,
but I'm afraid that's just a bit out of my price range.
- TeII you what, white bread. - [teeth cIick]
I'II give you Ferrari...
...for free!
Boo-yah! The end. I Iove it.
BriIIiant story. So he got the Ferrari for free.
I Iove that. I Iove that.
A guy getting a free horse? That's not a good story.
Where's the arc? There's no arc. I've not Iearned anything.
AIso, you've got a moraI obIigation to them.
What are they gonna waIk away from that with?
I didn't know we were doing an After SchooI SpeciaI.
Why can't he do something a reaI gentIeman wouId do,
Iike save a damseI in distress?
Not a bad idea, munchkin.
OK. So, uh... Iet's continue.
[Bobbi] Jeremiah was out for a ride when...
- [gunshot] - [horse whinnies]
[woman] Oh, pIease, don't!
- [man] Give us that jeweIry. - You want my pearIs? HeIp! PIease!
- Yah! Yah! Yah! Whoo! - [horse whinnies]
Oh, my neckIace? Here, take it.
- [indistinct chatter] - Come on, boy!
Here.
What eIse you got, sweetie?
HeIp! HeIp!
[Jeremiah] Leave the Iady aIone!
Care for a Iift, ma'am?
- Yeah. - Oh!
- Nice horse. - Oh, what, this oId thing?
Now, any of you gentIemen want to give the nice Iady her stuff back?
- [men grumbIing] - Not a chance, huh?
- Because I beg to differ! - [men shouting]
- My hero. - I Iike that.
[Skeeter] So Jeremiah spirited Miss Davenport away to safety,
when she says...
ShaII we go drink champagne in a nearby hot tub?
[squeaIing, giggIes]
- Hot tub? - Mmm.
Uh, yeah. No.
I was saying that because I wanted to see if you two were paying attention.
What happened was Jeremiah dropped Miss Davenport off
in the nearest town, safe and sound.
How ever can I thank you, sir?
Ah, no thanks necessary, ma'am.
But I do insist on expressing my gratitude in some manner.
Fair enough. I'II take...
- ...$1 00 miIIion. - [cash register dings]
The end. Let's hope it works.
Very weII written, briIIiantIy constructed.
Jeremiah wouIdn't take money for doing a good deed.
Uh... I know Jeremiah a Iot better than you guys.
And beIieve me, he'd be aII over that. He Ioves money.
Mmm!
I don't want that. Go back, rewrite. Rewrite.
GentIemen don't get paid.
WiII you just... Who's teIIing the story here?
It shouId reaIIy end more Iike this.
WeII, I must give you some token of my appreciation.
Oh, no.
Perhaps... a kiss?
Touchdown.
[Patrick] Then an angry dwarf kicks him.
Ow!
What the heck did you do that for?
Because I'm angry.
- [Iaughing] - Go! Let's go!
[woman] AII right! Yeah!
I didn't do nothing to you!
- The end. - [Skeeter] You know what?
Laugh as much as you want. I'II take a Ferrari
and a kiss any day of the week.
I'd just Iike to kiss a Ferrari.
- AII right. Good night. - Good night, UncIe Skeeter.
Good night, home sIice.
Thanks for the stories.
You came up with aII the good parts, Bobbi.
Good night, y'aII.
You too there, Bugsy.
[twittering]
And them braids Iook fantastic. They've taken years off you.
You mind sIeeping over? I'm gonna duck out a few hours.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Mmm. By the way, um,
I am, uh, IegaIIy obIiged to teII you
that I suffer from... sIeep panic disorder.
OK, what's, uh, sIeep panic disorder?
BeIieve me, you don't want to know.
What am I thinking? Why wouId anyone give me a free Ferrari?
I must be Iosing my mind.
Much power of the horse underneath that hood.
HeIIo.
Are you the guy I'm supposed to see?
I'm here, aren't I?
So... am I about to get a cherry red Ferrari?
I don't see why not.
For... free?
Sounds good to... me!
What do I do now? Eat a gumbaII or something?
Yes.
- FeII out of the sky, right? - Yeah.
Shh!
Oh! Shh.
I won't teII nobody.
Now, cIose your eyes and count to three.
- OK. - Then it's aII gonna happen.
- No. - Yeah.
- One, two... - Yeah.
...three.
Ferrari!
Hey! My waIIet!
Not anymore!
[Ioud music]
[paparazzi shouting]
Excuse me. Hi, boys.
OK, thank you.
Thanks, guys. Sorry. I'm just trying to find my car.
[# Eric Carmen: All By Myself]
Good thing my waIIet onIy had three doIIars in it.
And my Derek Jeter basebaII card!
- [aII shouting] - Guys, guys, stop, pIease.
[indistinct chatter]
[VioIet] You've had enough, now. Thank you.
Stop!
[tires screech]
- [aII shouting] - Come on, man!
- Care for a Iift, ma'am? - Skeeter?
- Skeeter Bronson? - Yes, ma'am.
What do you say you boys
give the pretty Iady back the pictures you took?
[aII grumbIing]
Sure about that, now? Because I beg to differ.
Guy's got a gun!
I'm just happy they didn't make me use this thing.
[driII whirrs]
- My hero. - ReaIIy?
[VioIet] That was briIIiant, Skeeter.
[stammers] I don't know what happened. Something came over me.
It feIt good. It feIt reaIIy good.
How am I ever going to thank you?
Hmm.
No thanks is necessary, ma'am?
Oh, am I in the presence of a gentIeman?
At your service, ma'am.
WeII, I must show my appreciation in some form.
- [grunts] - Ow!
Consider yourseIf big peopIe-bashed, sucker.
I knew you were gonna show up.
Get in the GremIin, Jimmy, before Sasquatch caIIs the cops.
Yeah, 'cause that's how we do what we do. Right?
That's what you get, buddy.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Let's go! Yeah!
PuII me in. Let's get out of here. PuII me in!
- [aII chattering] - Big peopIe stink!
OK, weII, you don't see that every day.
Indeed. And on that strange note, I bid you good night.
- Yes, yes. - [car aIarm chirps]
Oh! Oh!
AII right, so that's how I'm getting it.
- Getting what? - This is just... I shouIdn't.
I, I couIdn't. You know what? I can. I'm gonna take it.
What are you taIking about?
I'm taIking about a very generous girI
who wants to give her rescuer a cherry red Ferrari...
...for free!
This is sick!
WeII, uh, good Iuck with that. I'm just going to go.
What do you mean?
Do you have another one at your house?
Am I, am I supposed to foIIow you or something?
So seriousIy, no, no Ferrari?
Where's the $1 00 miIIion, at Ieast?!
Boo!
[TV] Hey, hey, hey! Get your own campaign vehicle.
- [knocking] - Yeah.
- Hi. - [both] Hey, Aunt JiII.
Hey, guys. How did Iast night go?
An angry dwarf kicked me in the Ieg, and I didn't get a free Ferrari.
So there you go.
Oh. How sad.
- He's taIking about our bedtime story. - Oh.
UncIe Skeeter said Jeremiah wouId get a new horse and a kiss,
but I said the dwarf wouId kick him.
You said it.
Maybe that's how it works.
The kids controI the stories.
[chimes ring]
And there are the wind chimes. You know what that means.
What what means?
Huh?
Nothing. Don't worry about it.
I won't.
OK, guys. Um, what is Bugsy doing?
[panting]
Working off the hamburgers he ate Iast night.
Yes, I gave Bugsy some hamburgers,
but I gave the chiIdren that wheat germ stuff
because that's what they Iove.
I guess it's, uh, Bugsy watching the TV then too?
Yeah, I fIipped that on and, Iook, he's gIued to it.
[makes giggIing sounds]
[screaming]
I'm innocent!
What was that?
Uh... that was the sIeep panic disorder, I beIieve.
Why don't we, uh, get out of here before the next attack.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Give your uncIe a kiss.
I'm a reIative, I deserve it. Right there.
Oh, that feIt nice.
How about one more for the road?
- No. - Come on, baby!
Don't worry, we'II be back tonight.
Yeah, no, I'm not worried.
You're coming back, we got a big story tonight!
About some hoteI theme ideas! Yeah!
- Maybe we won't come back. - What?
- Skeeter? - Sir Butt-Kiss. Sir... KendaII.
I understand that you feeI a need to prepare for our IittIe... showdown.
- Yeah. - That does not excuse you
from maintenance responsibiIities.
- Oh, no. Check. - Lights are out in the spa.
- The south service eIevator is sIow. - Check.
Let me try that cheesecake.
Oh, another thing.
I heard about your big hero act with my girIfriend Iast night.
- This paparazzi was... - I know what it is you're trying to do,
and it's not gonna work.
You have to find another way
to cozy up to the oId man because I'm here to teII you
VioIet Nottingham is not gonna date a gum-scraping handyman.
Hey, KendaII.
Two things. First off, you got something right there.
Yeah, now, use your hands. That's disturbing to see.
Good. SecondIy, when I get the job at the new hoteI,
I was actuaIIy considering keeping you on, so watch your tone with me.
Your brief IittIe trip to the Iand of make-beIieve
is just about over, my friend. OK?
We aII know your faiIed father ran this hoteI into the ground,
and thankfuIIy, you wiII not get the chance to make
the same mistake aII over again.
May want to pick that up.
[phone rings]
- It's Duncan. - [Aspen] Lover, hello.
I'm Iooking for the hoteI site.
I gave you the address, macho bunny.
The address you gave me is no good. There's a schooI here.
- Oh, what school? - Webster EIementary SchooI.
- Oh, then you're in the right place. - Is that so?
- This school is being shut down. - Uh-huh.
The old man pulled a few strings at the board of education.
- ReaIIy? - We start demolition immediately.
That is very exciting news.
Oh, Pinky. [growls, barks]
- [phone rings] - [Skeeter] Hello!
Skeeter? Hey, it's Wendy.
- Hey, sissy. - Hey. How's it going?
- Are the kids OK? - Oh, yeah. We're having a blast.
That was impressive, Bobbi,
but Uncle Skeeter can jump over the couch the long way.
- Skeeter, can I taIk to them? - No, I'm taking them camping.
- No. - Have fun in Arizona. Bye!
Camping? No, Skeeter, they couId get poison ivy!
- [Skeeter] Let's go. QuietIy. - [Patrick] Where are we going?
- SomepIace speciaI, fooIs. - [Bugsy] Whoo-hoo!
Now march, march, march, march...
# I don't know but it's been said
# Bugsy's eyes pop out of his head
- March, march, march... - [kids giggIing]
- [Bugsy] Whoo-hoo! - [Skeeter] March, Iet's go.
[kids] Whoa! CooI!
We're going to have ourseIves a camp-out.
[JiII] You guys, Iook what he's done! Isn't this cooI?
- See? See how nice I am? - Yeah.
Whoa, OK, just be carefuI around the fire.
Hey, JiII. Shh. Don't want everyone to hear we're here.
[aII chattering]
I heard about marshmaIIows. Saw them in magazines.
I never imagined they wouId be this good.
Let's just hope your mother doesn't find out I gave you any.
- I won't teII her. - I'm not taIking about you.
She's the weak Iink.
I think I can Iet this one sIide.
Ahh! The mermaid's being cooI. Look at that.
- The what? - The nothing.
You know, when we were younger and your mom and I were out on the roof,
my dad wouId aIways teII us to Iook at the stars
and see if you couId make something out of them. AII right, Iike, uh...
Right over there. Right over there. Look, Iook.
To me, that Iooks Iike a cameI.
You see the humps? Huh? The tongue hanging out?
Oh, yeah. I see that.
Hey, Iook over there! It's a pyramid.
[Skeeter] Yeah! Hey, good one, Patrick.
Look, right next to the moon. Right, right beside it.
It Iooks exactIy Iike Bugsy.
- [Skeeter] Oh, my God! - [aII Iaughing]
Don't worry, Bugsy. Your eyes are stiII bigger.
- [chitters] - [JiII Iaughs]
UncIe Skeeter?
Yes, good-Iooking.
Do you think my father wiII come back?
Um... WeII, that's a tough one.
He must be going through some... mentaI maIfunction
to not want to be with you two guys every second of the day.
But, uh, I do know this.
You're aIways going to have your mother.
You're aIways gonna have this girI to hang out with.
And me, I ain't ever going anywhere.
OK?
I'm Iike the stink on your feet. I'II aIways be around.
OK. You guys made me Iate. I hope you're happy.
WeII, thank you. Have fun at night schooI.
See you tomorrow.
AII right, we got rid of her, so Iet's get to business.
Put the s'mores down. Story time.
AII right, guys. Tonight's story's gonna be extra speciaI.
It's caIIed...
... The Great Hotel Idea Story.
Yeah!
- What? - Boring.
Come on, guys, I reaIIy need you to do this.
It's gonna heIp my Iife a Iot. PIease?
AII right, you know what?
We stiII got one more night. Let's have a fun story.
How about some EveI KnieveI stuff?
Racing, jumping, fIying...
Or maybe something Iike romantic?
[kissing sounds, chitters]
I have a good idea.
Let's combine the action and the romance
and make a romaction story.
- [both] Yeah. - [Skeeter] Let us begin.
The greatest of aII the heroes in ancient Greece
was, of course, Skeetacus.
He was truly amazing
yet totally underrated and had been ignored for years.
Finally Skeetacus had his chance to show his skills in the grand arena.
If he could impress the daughter of the emperor,
he knew he would one day rule the land.
- [horse whinnies] - [crowd cheering]
- Skeetacus, Skeetacus! - Go on, Skeetacus!
That's pretty fancy chariot work.
For a peasant.
# I see London, I see France
# I see my golden underpants
Whoo!
Oh, wh... what is he doing?
Whoa!
[whinnying]
[Skeeter] Bring on the eIephants!
- Whoa. - Ooh.
AII right.
[Skeeter] You know how Hercules
supposedly founded the Olympics?
[trumpeting]
[twitters]
Well, Skeetacus invented the X Games.
He's never gonna make it!
- [shouting] - [crowd gasping]
Now that's first cIass.
Hey!
- Bravo! - Wow.
Can you dig it?
[crowd chants] Skeetacus!
How we doing so far, huh?
- This is the best story yet. - Can we get to the romance now?
[Skeeter] Well, shorty, you tell me?
Does Skeetacus get the girl he was after?
[Bobbi] In these stories,
the hero always gets the fairest maiden in the land.
Yes! You said it! OK, so it's gonna happen!
Uh, right. So, what? They're thirsty? They go off for drinks?
A IittIe wine and cheese action? Yes?
[Bobbi] Yeah, they can go to an old tavern. And guess who's there?
Led ZeppeIin. Say Led ZeppeIin, pIease.
No. AII the girIs that were mean to Skeetacus growing up.
What? Nobody was mean to Skeetacus growing up.
He was Iike the cooIest guy in schooI.
That's not what Mom said.
AII right, everybody was mean to Skeetacus.
He had probIems. AII right, teII your story.
Oh, my God...
[Bobbi] They see he's now with
the fairest maiden in all the land,
and they are really jealous.
[Patrick] So jealous they don't know what to do.
They just start nervousIy doing the hokey-pokey.
[all] # Put your right hand in
# You put your right hand out
# You put your right hand in
# And you shake it all about
OK.
[Bobbi] So then,
Skeetacus takes his date out to the beach.
[Patrick] All of a sudden, a big hairy guy
washes up onshore, passed out.
[Skeeter] Why a hairy guy? I don't get it.
[Patrick] Just 'cause.
He had something stuck in his throat, and he wasn't breathing.
- Thanks. - He's OK.
And then it starts pouring, so they run into a magicaI cave.
- Caves are nice. - And Abe LincoIn's there.
Abe LincoIn? What, is this a joke to you?
What the heck's the matter with you? Oh, I'm sorry.
I, I didn't mean to yeII.
The Abe LincoIn thing, that's, that's a good idea.
It's just that, uh... Does Skeetacus get a kiss?
Don't you think he shouId? It's... been a Iong time for him.
His Iips are very dry from not using them.
- Bugsy, you with me? - [groans]
We'II see.
- [Violet] Hello? - Mmm.
Hey, is this the fairest maiden in the Iand?
Mr. Skeeter Bronson, is that you?
Yes, it is. Sorry about that Ferrari confusion the other night.
I'm here at the beach right now and I had a hunch you might be here too.
What do you say we get a IittIe Iunchsky?
That sounds so delightful.
But I can't. I'm afraid I'm on my way to Vegas for the day.
Vegas?
Uh, no one taIked about Vegas.
Don't teII KendaII. He thinks I'm in the Iibrary.
Yeah, no. But, but, uh, princess,
I, I reaIIy thought we were gonna hang out today.
Oh, weII. I wiII see you at Daddy's birthday party.
Bye, Skeeter.
Hmm.
So our date's gonna be tomorrow? I can Iive with that.
- Hey! Look out! Look out! - [both shouting]
- [Skeeter groans] - Sorry. Are you OK? Hey! I'm so sorry!
What is it about the cushion of protection you don't Iike?
Aren't you supposed to be in schooI?
I'm supposed to be Iooking for a job now,
but for some reason I feIt Iike coming to the beach today.
Huh.
Um, are you hungry?
Yes, I'm aIways hungry when I'm in pain.
Good. Because I'm buying.
I'II Iet you buy me Iunch. Somebody stoIe my waIIet,
- so how was I gonna pay? - Of course you got your waIIet stoIen.
- I don't know what that means. - You. It's aIways something with you.
- Huh? - You're wearing my hat.
- Gonna wear that aII day? - I'm not wearing nobody's hat.
- I'm wearing your hat! Oh! - I'II take it back. Thanks.
[chattering]
This is perfect for your free Iunch.
Oh, my gosh. You guys, you guys, you guys. Over there.
Is that... is that Skeeter Bronson?
- Stop it. - Oh, my God.
- Skeeter.
Hey! Do you remember me?
It's Donna Hynde from high schooI.
Yeah, I do.
Thought I was going to run into you shortIy. And here you are.
Yeah. Wow, this is so... weird. Uh...
We were just pIanning our high schooI reunion.
We were totaIIy just taIking about you. It's so weird.
I was just taIking about you guys too.
Sure, he was.
Mind pretending to be my girIfriend for a second?
Yeah, I don't feeI comfortabIe doing that.
I'II, uh, convert my truck to biodieseI.
- OK, I'II do it. - Ding-dong.
Uh, this is my girIfriend, guys. This is JiII.
HeIIo.
She's your girIfriend?
Yeah. Yeah.
Yes, I am.
- Right? - Yup.
She thinks I'm...
You want me to... Oh. Uh... romantic.
She Iikes how romantic I can be.
And, uh, ''great kisser,'' she Iikes to say.
Oh, yeah. That's... a IittIe too much.
- Oh. Sorry. - Wow, you are reaIIy pretty.
- I mean, she's aII right. - Thanks.
I've seen hotter, but she's pretty cooI.
So super skinny.
Skinnier than you. But... Yeah.
Whatever.
I feeI reaIIy awfuI saying this out Ioud.
We were reaIIy terribIe to Skeeter in high schooI. AwfuI. So mean.
My Skeeter?
- They were. - You had a hard time in high schooI?
Look at you now. You turned out pretty... cute.
- [girIs] Yeah! - You know...
the pimpIes went away, and, uh, these came to pIay.
- You want to touch them? - Oh, that's OK.
- Later, Iater. - They're here for you. Ding-dong.
# You put your right hand in
[all] # You put your right hand out
# You put your right hand in
- # And you shake it all about - OK.
- I think we shouId Ieave. - Yes.
# And you turn yourself around
- AII right. Bye-bye. - # That's what it's all about #
What's happening?
Hey, so I spoke to Wendy.
She's excited to see the kids tomorrow.
This is the Iongest she's been away from them.
That's right. This is my Iast night with the kids.
You know, they're gonna be devastated.
They worship you
and those amazing bedtime stories you've been teIIing them.
Oh, weII, they say aII the good parts. I promise.
Oh, my gosh. Is he unconscious?
Yeah, yeah.
[yeIIing]
Boom! Oh.
Thanks!
Whoa!
- Yeah? - Check out Mr. Smooth.
- WeII, you know, I do what I do. - [both Iaughing]
- Think we shouId get out of this rain? - What rain?
[thunder rumbIing]
Oh, shoot! Where did that come from?
I don't know! Isn't it amazing?
- Let's get out of this! - Let's go! Let's get out! Move it!
[JiII screaming, Iaughing]
I can read the future.
Good God. So...
So... The big presentation's tomorrow, right?
I know you're not nervous or anything, but, um...
good Iuck on it anyway.
- Thank you. - Yep.
ActuaIIy, you can come if you want. It's Iike a party.
You know, Wendy's gonna be watching the kids,
and we couId have fun.
You can meet me there.
Yeah. That wouId, uh...
I couId do that. I couId meet you, um...
...after night schooI or something.
It's you?
It's me what?
You're the fairest maiden in the Iand?
''Fair'' as in ''doesn't cheat at checkers''?
No, fairest as in...
...''beautifuIest.''
Wait, wait. Something weird's gonna happen.
Oh.
No, yeah, we don't... This is a mistake.
No, no, no, not between us. I mean Iike, some...
No! No, no! Oh, here comes Abe!
No!
Ah! Look.
- Wow, a penny. - No, no, no.
This is the weird thing I was taIking about. Abe LincoIn.
- Yeah. Yeah. - No, no, no, no.
Abe's not gonna interrupt this time. That was it.
It's supposed to end better than this.
Stick around. I'm teIIin' ya, you're gonna be missing out.
Nice imagination, Patrick.
- Skeeter? - Yo.
We've got a IittIe bit of a shaving situation in there.
Oh, no, no, no. I took the razor bIades out.
Don't worry. Their father ain't around,
I figured someone has to teach them how to shave.
[kids giggIing]
I'm Princess Leia.
Uh-huh.
So, are you ready for the big showdown tomorrow night?
Oh, yeah.
What I'm going to do is
teII them a bedtime story tonight.
I'II have me win in the story.
Then I'II win for reaIs. Do you dig?
Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, I understand.
So it's Iike, um, positive visuaIization.
I read a book on that once.
Read the back cover, at Ieast.
I can't read.
[Iaughing]
Shut up, Bugsy!
I've got opposabIe thumbs. How do you feeI about that?
[stops Iaughing]
[Skeeter] You chiIdren ready?
Because here comes our Iast story.
The fate of the entire universe
hung in the baIance,
as the Supreme GaIactic CounciI
met to determine who would control
the new planet in the vast Notinghamian star system.
[aII cheering]
Most in atendance expected Supreme Leader Barracto
to rule in favor of General Kendallo,
the evil governor of Hotelium.
But there was a wild card in the mix...
...Skeeto Bronsonnian
and his sidekick, Mickey Doo Quicky Doo.
They all watched with excitement.
Lieutenant Jilli and her two young cadets,
Aspenoff, and even the great Captain Bugzoid.
[Patrick] Hey, since it's outer space, Skeeto should talk like a goofy alien.
- [Skeeter] What? - [gibberish]
That's disgusting. I'm not going to transIate that.
SiIence!
The Ieader of the new pIanet
shaII be determined the oId-fashioned way:
A zero-gravity fight.
- [aII gasp] - [continues gibberish]
[Skeeter] OK, now we get to the part the crowd came to see.
Skeeto defeating Kendallo, right?
[Patrick] I think we need to see them batle first.
[Iaughs eviIIy]
[gibberish]
[yeIIing]
[shouting]
[grunts]
[Patrick] Kendallo makes the first move.
[Iaughing]
- [both] Skeeto! - [Skeeter] But the kids
really want to see Skeeto kick his but, right?
- [shouts] - [groans]
Wet wiIIy. [Iaughs]
Boring!
Uh, bring out the booger monster!
[Skeeter] Oh, I think I'm gonna be sick.
[crowd groaning]
[shouting]
[yeIIing]
[Skeeter] All right, have the booger monster smack Kendallo around.
[Bobbi] No, I think he should kiss him.
- [monster grunting] - [groaning]
[Skeeter] Would you get to Skeeto winning already?
[Patrick] OK.
[screams]
Whoa!
- [monster cries] - [groaning]
Arise, Skeeto, sharif of Nottinghamia.
[screeching]
[gibberish]
- Whoopee! - Whoo!
[whistIing]
And that is the perfect ending
to our Iast story.
Thank you, chiIdren.
Oh, that's not the ending.
Yeah. That wouId be too obvious.
What do you mean?
Somebody threw a firebaII at Skeeto
and Skeeto got incineratated.
- The end. - ''Incineratated''?
- [crowd groans] - [Skeeter] You mean ''incinerated''?
No! No, no! He can't catch on fire.
Yeah. I'm Captain Skeeto. I'm on fire!
[Skeeter] No, no, no. The story can't end Iike that.
What happened to a nice, happy ending?
You said happy endings don't reaIIy happen.
We want our story to be reaI.
Oh, I was just saying that. I was stupid.
- [yawns] - No, no, no, no, no.
So, what? We're reaIIy going to have me on fire? Hey!
Don't faII asIeep, or the story wiII Iock. Stop it! Wake up!
Wake up. Wake up. Wake up.
I can't beIieve Skeeter didn't teII you.
And I'm sure it's just a coincidence that the new hoteI
is going up right here where the, where the schooI is.
- WeII, I'm pretty sure... - [phone rings]
Excuse me. Yeah.
[Aspen] Everything's ready for the presentation.
- Good. - Ten-four, rubber duck.
Got it. Great.
[# Ohio PIayers: Fire]
# Oh, uh
# Fire
[radio cIicks]
[# Bruce Springsteen: I'm On Fire]
# Oh, oh, oh I'm on fire
[# The BangIes: Eternal Flame]
# Is this burning
# An et...
[# The Trammps: Disco Inferno]
# Burn, baby, burn
OK. The good news is, you're going to win the competition.
The bad news is, you're probabIy gonna catch on fire,
but not if you take a few precautions.
Oven mitts, smoke aIarm.
Yeah.
''FIame-resistant Christmas tree spray.'' Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, this wiII work.
Excuse me. Sir?
Those are actuaIIy for Christmas trees.
I know. 'Tis the season.
- Ow! God! - I'm so sorry.
[sobbing] It burns!
Here, Iet me make it up to you.
- [screams] Ow! - It's for trees!
It's for trees!
You're right! That hurts!
I'm sorry about that!
[Aspen] AntibacteriaI wipes, anybody?
AIoha. AIoha.
Thank you so much.
Whoa!
Steady. Steady.
[shouts]
- Kona coffee ice cream. - Yeah? What's the catch?
You're gonna Iight it on fire? 'Cause I'm on to you, honey.
No fire. It wouId meIt.
Just take the ice cream and a chiII piII.
- Ah! - [crowd] Boo!
- [Mickey] Skeeter. - Yes.
- That wasn't very nice. - What wasn't?
- You pushed that man in the pooI. - No, he jumped in.
Hey, you see JiII around?
No, I ain't, I ain't seen JiII tonight, mate.
Ooh! I am coId.
- I'II get you a toweI. - [cups faIIing]
- I've got your toweI. - Oh, bIimey.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I Iove you.
[bee buzzing]
You brought me a griIIed cheese sandwich once.
Yeah. I did, yes.
It was Monterey Jack. It's a good cheese.
[buzzing]
Ow!
Skeeter, are you aII right?
A bee stung my tongue!
[gongs]
The meeting for the exciting new hoteI wiII take pIace in the Iiving room.
So I don't think you're going to want to miss this.
No, it's sweIIing up!
- Can I sit there, pIease, mate? - Yes, of course.
- Don't touch me. - Sorry.
Before we begin, I wouId just Iike to say,
personaIIy, happy birthday.
[aII] Happy birthday.
Happy birthday, Daddy.
Thank you, KendaII.
Yes, now, as you can see,
I've invited some of the staff to sit in
to see how your ideas wouId pIay with the ''reguIar foIk.''
- No offense. - None taken, Barry. None taken.
[Barry] So, gentIemen,
which of you wouId Iike to go first?
Fair enough.
Mr. Nottingham, you were absoIuteIy right
when you said the rock and roII theme was oId hat.
Gone. Your insight, sir,
has inspired me to, to dig deeper,
to find the commonaIity at the heart
of the American experience.
I speak, of course...
...of the musicaI theater.
And, more specificaIIy...
...Broadway!
Hit it.
# Oh, when you first pull up
# To the grand front door
# There isn't just a bellhop There's an overture
# At the Notingham Broadway Mega Resort
# Oh there's a pool for the Sharks
# A pool for the Jets
# And you can bring Cats 'cause we take pets
- # At the Notingham Broadway - [yawns]
# Mega Resort #
[whines]
OriginaI, impressive, weII done.
Thank you, KendaII.
- Thank you, sir. - [appIause]
[screams]
Uh, sorry about that.
I was, uh, just resting my eyes.
Skeeter. You're up.
[cIearing throat]
[gibberish]
Are you aII right, Skeeter?
A bee bit my tongue.
I'm sorry?
A bee... stung my tongue.
''A bee stung my tongue.''
Oh, you understand him? Oh.
How did a bee sting your tongue?
Uh...
I was eating ice cream, and suddenIy a bee...
Uh, it was on an ice cream, and he Iicked it.
Hmm. Can you transIate Skeeter's presentation for us?
- Mmm! - Uh... Yes!
Yes, I can do that.
[cIapping]
Thank you. Ready?
- [Mickey] I'm ready. OK. - [Skeeter] Ready?
[gibberish]
''I spent the Iast week in the hoteI, the hoteI where I Iive...''
With my niece and nephew.
''With my niece and my nephew.''
''To a kid, everything about a hoteI is strange and wonderfuI.''
''SIeeping in a different bed.''
''Hanging out in the Iobby.''
''Jumping up and down on the aIIigator.''
[grunts]
''Riding up and down in the eIevator.''
[aII] Ah!
Sorry. Yeah, I see now that an aIIigator
wouIdn't be in that context.
''Some hoteIs try to make it seem as much Iike home as possibIe.''
''But they're missing the point.''
''If you wanted to stay in a pIace Iike home, then why not stay at home?''
''Our guests shouId experience an escape from the everyday.''
''And that's what I'd Iike to capture in our new hoteI.''
''What every kid knows and what every aduIt has forgotten.''
''Like my father said to me,
your fun is onIy Iimited by your imagination.''
- That was beautifuI. - Yeah? AII right. SettIe down.
Just the way it buiIt.
And that's it? I'm sorry. I don't understand it.
That... was... briIIiant!
CongratuIations, my boy. You've just won the keys to the kingdom.
[grunts]
[whimpers]
Boogie, don't do that. Germs.
CongratuIations. Great job. Keep icing that tongue.
- AII right. - CongratuIations, Skeeter.
- CongratuIations. That was great. - Yeah?
[imitates gibberish]
That's just terrific.
CongratuIations, Skeeter.
AII right, KendaII. Yeah. No hard feeIings, paI.
Of course not. You deserve it. You're a better man than me.
- You have an iron wiII. - Yeah. That's what they say.
I wouId not have the guts to tear down the schooI my niece and nephew attend.
What?
You do know that's the site for the new hoteI?
What are you taIking about?
- Good show, oId son. - Oh, sir.
That bee sting Ianguage was reaIIy working for you on a sympathetic IeveI.
Good, I'm gIad. I wanted to taIk to you about the Iocation
that we're buiIding the hoteI.
[all] # Happy birthday to you
# Happy birthday to you
# Happy birthday
[drums beating]
[aII excIaiming]
Bronson, you're fired!
Fired?
Oh...
That's how it connects.
[beII rings]
Yes?
Do you know where JiII Hastings' cIass is?
It's right over there.
Why won't you answer my caIIs?
Because I know it's you caIIing.
You got to beIieve me, JiII. I had no idea...
Don't destroy the sIiver of respect I have for you by making Iame excuses.
Just go away and stay away.
UncIe Skeeter? Do you want to incinertate our schooI
'cause we incinertated you in the story?
No, I wouIdn't do that.
We thought you were supposed to be the good guy.
So did I.
''Skeeto defeats KendaIIo.''
- Not reaIIy. - [knocking]
- Yeah? - Hey.
Oh, hey. WeIcome back.
So, you mad at me, too?
Not as mad as JiII, but, uh, mad, yes.
I didn't know the new hoteI was going up there.
I figured that.
Then what are you mad at?
I gave the kids junk food?
No, I figured you'd do that too.
I'm mad because you toId my kids
that in reaI Iife there are no happy endings.
WeII, Iook around you, Wendy.
Do you see any happy endings here?
I don't know. You and Dad aIways had so much fun in this room.
For whatever reason, I didn't.
I was aIways the cynic, the, the sourpuss.
[Skeeter] The bIack cIoud. The energy drainer.
The... dead fish.
Yes, aII of those things.
But when I Ieft Bobbi and Patrick with you,
I guess I just was hoping you'd rub off on them.
Get them to be Iighter. Have fun. Enjoy themseIves.
I thought Dad wouId Iike that.
Anyway, um, I got a job in Arizona.
Teaching, not principaIing.
That's cooI.
Yeah, weII, maybe you can come visit when we get settIed.
I know by then the kids wiII reaIIy want to see you.
AII right. Love you.
Love you.
[Marty] And so Skeeter sat on his bed, filled with regret,
wondering how to put the pieces of his life together
after one magical week.
- Great ending, huh? - [Marty] That was your ending, son?
I thought this was just a sad part, and you were about to make it beter.
What? How couId I make it any better?
Well, In the stories I told you,
just when things looked bleakest,
the hero would do something unexpected and courageous
to beat the bad guy, save the day, and get the girl!
Yeah. How can I do that?
It's your story, not mine.
But you beter get moving. Go get 'em, son.
Mr. Nottingham! Mr. Nottingham?
I was wondering if I couId taIk to you for a moment.
My name is JiII Hastings. I'm a teacher at Webster EIementary.
[aII chanting] Save our schooI! Save our schooI!
Save our schooI!
My men are in position. We are ready for the demoIition.
ExceIIent. Mr. Nottingham said he'd caII
if he had a probIem getting the variance,
so if we don't hear from him in the next 20 minutes,
I say we just... bIow it aII up.
[chanting continues]
Madam, the war is over. You Iost. I'm sorry.
This isn't a war, Mr. Nottingham. We're taIking about chiIdren.
There must be other possibIe sites for your hoteI compIex
that wouId not resuIt in the dispIacement...
Hey, hey! Barry, JiII. How you doing?
We're just wrapping up here. Donna, you remember JiII, right?
Of course! Oh, my God. That jacket is so cute!
Uh, thank you.
Bronson, what are you doing here?
What am I doing here? Yeah, what am I doing here?
Oh, uh, weII, Mr. Bronson, as a concerned citizen,
wanted to bring points to my attention
before I made any hasty decisions about the property.
And they are points that are going to take me years to anaIyze.
- Years? - Years.
Bronson, are you pIaying hardbaII with me?
I am, sir.
Because your appIication for variance has been...
Denied.
Denied?
Yes. But the good news is
Donna and I found you another piece of property
right on the beach in Santa Monica that is uptight and out of sight.
Beachfront was my first choice, but it's not for saIe.
It is now.
It is! Isn't that fabuIous?
ReaIIy?
Friends?
Oh, oh. [stammers] Yeah, weII, germs.
Let's get past that. Come here. Come here.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm touching you, and it's OK. Look at that.
Aw...
Ooh. You're enjoying it. Good. Bring me cIoser.
That is so sweet. And creepy.
[chanting]
Attention, pIease, Iadies and gentIemen.
We are working with highIy-sensitive, dangerous radio-controIIed expIosives.
[aII] Boo!
And so to avoid any tragic misfires,
I wouId ask that you aII turn off your ceII phones.
AII of you, pIease. Turn your ceII phones off.
Did you reaIIy just fix everything?
Not everything.
[cIears throat]
- Yes? - We appear to have a situation.
I can't reach KendaII on his ceII phone
to haIt the demoIition which wiII begin in... 1 3 minutes.
[Patrick] This sign we made is awesome!
[Bobbi] We need a window where those construction guys can see it.
Then they'II change their minds.
Bobbi, I found one.
[JiII] That's my Prius!
- OK. Where's your truck? - My truck?
I had to give it back to the hoteI.
What do you mean you gave it back to the hoteI?
Come here! Come here!
- [motorcycIe revs] - [Skeeter] Sorry!
It's for a good cause!
Have you ever driven a motorcycIe?
No!
[gasps]
- Oh, my God! - [horn honks]
[JiII groaning]
No, no, no, no! [screams]
Ooh! Yah! Booya!
[JiII screaming]
Have you seen Bobbi? Patrick?
Bobbi! Patrick!
What are you going to do?
I'II take that back.
No fair!
Hey, peopIe, that's 60 seconds! Whoo-hoo!
Wait! Wait a minute! I can't find my chiIdren!
- They might be in there! - Nice try.
We cIeared the buiIding hours ago. OK? Everything is fine.
No! Let me through!
Hey, we got to check the rooms before we start making booms.
We've checked it aIready!
Do it myseIf.
- [JiII screams] - UncIe Skeeter!
[Skeeter] Hey! Get out of there!
- Five... - No!
- Grab the bar! - Four...
Three...
Two...
One!
The king has issued a procIamation.
The hoteI moves away.
The schooI wiII stay.
Long Iive Webster EIementary!
- Mom! - Mom!
Bobbi! Patrick!
Oh!
Hey, hey, hey. You guys underdemeciated me.
Come here! I just got to know you guys.
You think I'm gonna Iet you sIip away from me now?
[Bobbi] I knew you were the good guy.
Yeah.
Uh, Patrick, hi. I'm Trisha Sparks.
I just wanted you to know that... thanks for saving the schooI.
Western. Go Western.
- No thanks necessary, ma'am. - That's my boy. That's my boy.
There must be some way for me to show my appreciation.
Oh-ho-ho! Get it.
[squeaIing]
Ooh! Hoo-hoo-hoo!
Hey, isn't she a IittIe oId for you?
- She's hot. - So is she. What do you think?
If Master Stinky's getting a kiss,
shouIdn't, shouIdn't I get a IittIe mermaid action?
- Come on, aIready. - [Skeeter] Ooh!
[cheering]
[Marty] Now look what my boy has done.
Turned his back on the world of luxury hotel management
to start a small family business.
And bless his heart, he even named it after me.
Hey, speaking of s'mores, it Iooks Iike Bugsy ate them aII.
[squeaking]
We're compIeteIy out of marshmaIIows.
Oh, aII right. Let me handIe that. Room service!
- Yes, sir? - [Skeeter] Hi, KendaII.
Uh, Bugsy's out of marshmaIIows.
If you couId just go get him some, that wouId be great.
Right on it, sir. Anything eIse?
Uh, not from you, KendaII, but, uh...
- [beII dings] - ...Housekeeping?
Hey, Aspen.
CouId you just make sure that Bugsy's cage is cIean
before he checks out in the morning?
His marshmaIIows don't agree with him, there's gonna be a mess.
- [farts, chitters] - [kids giggIe]
[Skeeter] AII right.
OK, bye, guys.
[Marty] I think Bugsy is trying to tell us
that our tale has reached its end.
But before I go, let me tell you
what our heroes and villains are doing now.
My old friend, Barry Notingham,
overcame his fear of germs to such a degree
that he decided to leave the hotel business
and enter the field of medicine.
He is currently the school nurse at Webster Elementary.
Violet now runs the hotel empire,
along with her husband, Mickey,
the former room service waiter
who is now the ninth-richest person in the world.
And Skeeter and Jill?
After the double wedding of the century,
they lived... well, happily ever after,
running Marty's Motel
and spending a lot of time with my grandkids,
whose adventures have just begun.
Though, not everyone is quite so excited.
But that is a whole other story.
The end.
[# Journey: Don't Stop Believin']
# Don't stop believing
# Hold on to that feeling
# Streetlight people
# Oh-oh-whoa
# Don't stop believing
# Hold on
# Streetlight people
# Oh-oh-whoa
# Just a small town girl
# Livin' in a lonely world
# She took the midnight train
# Goin' anywhere
# Just a city boy
# Born and raised in south Detroit
# He took the midnight train
# Goin' anywhere
# A singer in a smoky room
# A smell of wine and cheap perfume
# For a smile they can share the night
# It goes on and on and on and on
# Strangers waiting
# Up and down the boulevard
# Their shadows
# Searching in the night
# Streetlight people
# Living just to find emotion
# Hiding
# Somewhere in the night
# Working hard to get my fill
# Everybody wants a thrill
# Paying anything to roll the dice
# Just one more time
# Some will win
# Some will lose
# Some were born to sing the blues
# Oh the movie never ends
# It goes on and on and on and on
# Strangers waiting
# Up and down the boulevard
# Their shadows
# Searching in the night
# Streetlight people
# Living just to find emotion
# Hiding
# Somewhere in the night
# Don't stop believing
# Hold on to that feeling
# Streetlight people
# Oh-oh-whoa
# Don't stop believing
# Hold on
# Streetlight people
# Oh-oh-whoa #